This morning, I woke every four minutes for the half-hour before the alarm went off. I felt like I wanted to run around, wiggle, fidget, anything but be still in bed at 5:04, 5:08, 5:16 am. Then, when the alarm twanged, I sat up and began to rub my sternum – too much, it was just too much.

Today, I will start teaching at another school; I will sign the paperwork for the sale of my house; and I will cover the class of a colleague who has had a family emergency. Yesterday, I bought a car, and this week I will have to sell my old one. All of these things are wonderful – really good – hopeful, positive, and just what I want. But still, even for me who loves new things, this is a lot of change. My body let me know that.

I was just reading the newsletter from my friend Dorit Brauer, and she was talking about how sound therapy – screaming, chanting, singing – can really help bring a body back into balance. I think I could really use a good scream – one that just lets the fear and anxiety I’m feeling out into the universe. However, I am sitting in the student union and think I might increase the corporate anxiety if I eased my own in this way. Instead, I am breathing deeply, sighing audibly (but quietly) and looking forward to rocking out to some good music on the ride home.

As I told Dave, it’s not the new things that make change hard for me; it’s the leaving of things – a house, a car, a job – that always is toughest. I love new opportunities, new places, new homes, but in the core of myself, the leaving is most difficult. Leavetakings mean some sense of grief and anxiety, even in the best of circumstances. It’s the loss of things that brings the tears.

So today, in this busyness and this change, I will hold onto the grief, not to keep it close but to feel it in my chest and my legs, in the way my voice shakes when I speak of my silly car and my lovely house, in the way that life is always a series of leavings and arrivals. The airport of life.

Filed by Andi at 7:14 am under Teaching Triumphs and Travails, Written and Wrought
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Or at least when you think it might – well, when I got an offer on my house on Wednesday, an offer that was real and probable, I immediately started thinking about what I would have to pare down on to be able to move into an apartment, my interim accommodation of choice while I figure out what my next “more settled” move will be in life. (By the way, I have long ago given up any delusion that I am one of those people made to “settle down.” I just don’t know that I will ever do so, but then maybe that’s exactly what will happen, what I least expect.)

As I sit and wait to hear whether this offer will go through, (send out those good vibrations and prayers for me if you will), I have begun to think about what can go. I sold a giant bean bag/bed to a friend who really likes it. I culled through my pantry today to see what I could yard sale (who really needs wicker-ish paper plate holders), and now I am moving through my books. I have sent many, many off to Powell’s, where they buy used books and pay for shipping. I have put many, many on Bookmooch, and now, I am hoping to rope you into my house-emptying frenzy.

Each Friday, I am going to pick a book from my collection to give away here on my blog. Sometimes, these will be books that I have read closely, sometimes ones I’ve touched hardly at all. But these titles will, hopefully, be going to someone’s house, to the house of someone who will appreciate them, even if it’s just to stack them with others and take comfort in their presence.

All you need to do to be eligible is to make a comment on this page about why you’d like to receive this book. If you post about the giveaway/s on your blog, I’ll give you two chances, and if you “tweet” about it on Twitter, I’ll add another chance to your tally. Winners will be chosen at random and will be announced every Friday, the same day I announce the next book I”m giving away.

Today’s book is Our Purpose: The Nobel Peace Prize Lecture by Al Gore. I have to admit that when Gore was VP I didn’t pay him much attention, but since he donned that gorgeous beard for a bit, I have given him more credence. Apparently, looking like Grizzly Adams gives you points in my book. This little volume is great – a quick read but very inspiring, as all lectures should be. It really spurred me to understand the crisis around global warming as something much larger than just hotter summers. As Gore says,

By facing and removing the danger of the climate crisis, we have the opportunity to gain the moral authority and vision to vastly increase our own capacity to solve other crises that have been too long ignored.

Ever an optimist and idealist, I like the idea that if we can fix this one gigantic problem we can fix others like hunger and poverty and racism and sexism. I see no benefit in hopelessness.

If you’d like to be entered to win this book, please let me know why you’d like to read it or have it for your collection. I will randomly choose our winner next week.

– Our Purpose: The Nobel Peace Prize Lecture by Al Gore

Filed by Andi at 5:19 am under Book Recommendations
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Somehow, this week I have been slowed down by life, a lot. I’ve worked more than ten hours the past two days, had a terrible night’s sleep fueled by anxiety and lack of time to “process” during the day, and simply can’t seem to get past myself to write. Fortunately, I have to teach this morning, so that will require that I dress and get out of the house which is, of course, the only way to stay out of the funk but also, of course, the last thing I want to do.

I tried to write this morning, and I guess I did – but it was that diary-like gushing that feels good but isn’t really at all about craft. I’m trying to be okay with that today. I want to be writing lucid, clear prose that delves deep into the psyche, but to be honest, I’m just trying to keep my psyche intact today. I have to figure that taking care of mental health will mean that I have more days to write, right?

For my blog today, I wanted to spend some time highlighting things on the web that were amazing, but to be honest, while many people are writing great posts and sharing excellent things, I am simply not able to get past myself enough to appreciate them full. So I will save that post for another day.

Meanwhile, I can tell you about Book Blogger Appreciation Week, which comes up in mid-September. An amazingly kind soul nominated me in the category of “Best Writing,” and I feel absolutely honored. Unfortunately, I missed the first email and was late getting the second email in order to fulfill my part of the nomination by submitting sample pages for review, but I am still so blessed to be nominated. Thanks to whoever put me up for this great award.

Now, I am off to take a long hot shower with this great new conditioner I got – we have to appreciate the small things when life is smacking us with big ones – and to go teach my second day of class. The first one was great, and I hope the second goes as well.

May you have one time today when you laugh so hard that you think your ribs will crack and you will never breathe again.

Filed by Andi at 5:06 am under Teaching Triumphs and Travails, Written and Wrought
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For the past few weeks, I have been working in the college bookstore at the request (and gift) of my friend Kathy who runs it. I get to help her during her busiest time, and she gets to give me a little extra cash during this “transitional period.” It’s a win-win.

Yesterday, financial aid came through for the students, and honestly, it was a little insane in there. I walked in to see all three registers running (it’s a small store), people wandering the aisles, and an altogether hell-bent pace – be it courteous – from the employees. I dropped my bag and Clean Canteen and started to work – for the next 6.5 hours solid (minus a small break to wolf down some organic chocolate milk and organic chocolate chip cookies – Kathy takes care of me).

I have observed a few things from this experience. First, people don’t seem as excited as I ever was to get to go spend hundreds of dollars on books. Now, I understand that textbooks are expensive (more on that later), but when I got to load up my arms with books at the beginning of each term I got a little giddy. I would look at each title, hold it, touch it lightly with my fingertips, and lay it in my basket. Then, when I saw the total, I would get a little flush with energy – so much cash given to words on a page.

But most of our customers are simply flabbergasted by the price or, even, the weight of the books (which I can understand especially if you’re a nursing major). They groan as I get another title off the shelf for their class, even when the books are for English class (for shame! ). They ask if they really “need it”, even if it’s required. Mostly, they are just sticker-shocked and not excited. I find that a little sad. I’m not sure this attitude reflects their general opinion of education, but I fear it might.

Which brings me to my second observation – textbooks are too d*&^ expensive. I am blown away that a little Political Science textbook of less than 150 pages is almost $80. And then when you get into the bio books or the nursing texts, we’re talking $150 a book at least. But I was most flabbergasted by the cost of transportation books (like for truck-driving training or logistics management) – they were each almost $200. I love books, but this is too much.

Of course, the textbook publishers can charge this because students are required to buy these books for classes, and most of them do. And while teachers can help the problem by requiring fewer books if possible and by trying to use them several semesters in a row, we have to be most focused on getting good information to students, not on cutting costs. Students can sometimes help themselves by buying online, but then they run the risk that the book won’t be in good condition or won’t be the right edition and not have time to send it back before class starts (a student in one of my classes had this problem this semester). I simply wish textbook publishers would be a little more ethical (I wish this of drug and insurance companies, too) and curb their profits a tad in order to help people get an education. The benefits of that choice will eventually reach them when they have better educated and less financially buried employees in a few years.

The final thing I have noticed from working in the bookstore is that it is hard work. It has been years since I did a job that required much that was physically grueling of me – the benefit? of all those years of education I suppose. But I must say my body hurts today. Lifting books down off high shelves, carrying stacks of tomes to the register for students, restocking the soda coolers (okay, that wasn’t too hard), and just being on my feet on a hard floor all day – that stuff is taxing on the old body, especially when the old body is used to working her jaw and her writing hand more than any other part of her body. Hats off to everyone who does physical work (and more physical work than this) on a daily basis.

I am loving this chance to see college from a new angle; it gives me more of a sense of the students I teach, a real one that isn’t tempered by the power dynamic of the classroom. I wonder if all of us in academia might not benefit from a similar experience.

Filed by Andi at 4:52 am under Book Recommendations, Teaching Triumphs and Travails
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Today, I start teaching for the first time at a four-year liberal arts school near Baltimore. I’m very excited to be back in this teaching environment because I love teaching students who have given their lives to education for a few years. (I also love teaching students who manage education and work and children at the same time). I will let you know how it goes.

In the meantime, Kim from Bold Blue Adventure has won Saints in Limbo by River Jordan. Congrats, Kim.

Have a great day, everyone. And if you’re near a school that’s starting, say a prayer for students and teachers alike. We all need it.

Filed by Andi at 4:43 am under Book Recommendations, Teaching Triumphs and Travails
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